I think I had this one coming.
So this is my last weekend home and its going great so far. I'm glad to be done with work, and I'm excited to head back to school.
But today I was playing basketball with Randall, and we were talking about everything when we were shooting around. Randall asked me how many close friends I had. Naturally, I said 5. He sounded surprised that I had that many. And after I went home for a little bit, it really got me thinking about just how many people I've almost entirely cut ties with in the span of a year. The people that I met years ago and basically got me through my boring high school. The people that don't deserve such treatment. Last year, before I left, I made a facebook note called Memories, and asked everyone to write just one memory that the two of us shared. It ended up getting like 60 or 70 comments, most starting off with "Just one memory? Nice try." The first time I read the all the comments in their entirety, I must have cried for a whole night.
Last summer, everything ended the way I wanted it to end. I had a huge bonfire about a week before, and everyone who I wanted to show up did, which totaled about 70ish people throughout the whole night. Basically, I got in all the goodbyes that I needed to get in, and when I left, as sad as it was, I felt that just....complete. There was nothing I could have done to make those last two weeks better.
Having said that, ever since then, I feel like I've dedicated myself to keeping a distance from a lot of people, even if the same people try to make an effort to not be. I feel like those people deserve an apology, and I'd like to take the time to say what needs to be said. Here goes nothing...or everything I have left.
I think I mine as well start with family, particularly my dad. The other day we crossed paths in the house and I couldn't think of any sports news to talk about off the top of my head, so nothing was said. Its sad to think that about 90% of our conversations are about sports, and I'm also sorry that I was never really around the house as much as I've been this summer.
To all of the people that I hung out a lot with in high school and last summer:
Buckner: At my bonfire, you said that we would never probably never see each other again. At the time, I thought of how ridiculous the idea of that seemed, and now I'm sitting here, realizing that that was the last time I saw you. I really wished we would have gotten to bowl or do something this summer. If we never see each other again, the best of luck to you, and keep listening to that good music. The same goes to Drew. I miss you guys.
Tito: A couple of weeks ago, I told you that we would finally meet up and utilize your bowling discount. That turned about to be a lie. I feel like after we saw each other so much at all of those grad parties and misc. hang outs, you deserved a call from me. I'm apparently a liar, and you and Buck will definitely be getting a shout out from me next summer.
Rosner, Matteo, and Ian: You guys made AP World History bearable. We saw each other sparingly last year, but somehow I managed to visit two of you up at State over Christmas break. That was a fun time, and I even think that we were supposed to go to Canada. I wish I would've been able to go with you guys. It would have been a blast.
To all of the Dave's not named Weyland: Man, have I missed you guys. Davey, luckily I got to see you last Thursday at Stacey's. That was probably the second time I've seen you all summer, as opposed to last year when we saw each other everyday. I've known you almost the longest out of anyone in the Twp., and the times that I did see you, I cherished it. Dickson, I haven't seen you since my bonfire either. You were going to be at the slip and slide before it got cancelled. I feel like a higher power was always in the way of letting us hang out. Haha. Anyways, you're going to hang out with Weyland and me sometime next summer, whether you or Buddha or whoever wants us to or not. Dave B., I was so happy to see you at Taco Bell a couple of months ago! Catching up was great, and I wish we could have talked more. There were several classes in high school in which you were the only person I could talked to, and I would've died without. I thank you for that.
All of the cross country guys, particular Jeff, Jon, and Lucas, how the hell have we not done anything this summer? You guys were literally the first people I met when I moved north, and I'm forever greatful for you guys taking me under your wing. I'll never forget the hundreds of inside jokes we had, and I hope we can all do something when December rolls around.
The AMC people! Man, we threw some great parties. I think Peter put it best: it's weird meeting some of the coolest people ever, at one of the worst jobs ever. We hung out a couple times the beginning of the summer, and it kind of died down after that. I wish it hadn't. Last year, about 3 days before I left, there was a gathering of us at Steak and Shake, where I got to say goodbye to everyone. It was so fitting. I wish we would've done that again this year, and I apologize for you guys always having to be the ones that call me when you make plans, and not the other way around.
Christian, we had so many plans before summer started, and I bitched out on pretty much everything. I don't think there's anything I could do to reverse that, and I don't think I deserve forgiveness. I'm sorry.
To Sara, Kelly, Jess, Carol, Danielle, and all of the girls. We hung out about 3 or 4 times a week last summer, and that was reduced to about 3 or 4 times every 2 months. I think this was a combination of us all being busy, and me leaving. Sometimes one person leaving can screw up a friendship, and I'm blame myself for not keeping in touch as much as I should have. The day after Christmas, the girls and the guys met up for Secret Santa. That was the last time we all hung out. The guys left early, and we each came up with a different excuse when we left. I never thanked you guys for inviting us all to do that with you, and you all deserved better. To Sara inparticular, I'm sorry that you think that the only people that care about you are at Central. I apologize for not giving myself enough chances to prove you wrong, because I know you are.
Dragan, you were probably one of my first best friends after I moved north. Thanks for keeping me company on the bus all of those years. I hate that we only saw each other 4 or 5 times all summer, and it makes me even more upset that I didn't even get to say goodbye when you left this year. Last year when you left was the first of many times I cried that summer, and as sad as it was, I wish we could have been able to say goodbye again. I already can't wait for the next Hello. Love you, dude.
This is where it gets even tougher.
Jake and Phil, I feel like when I'm around you guys, I don't talk as much as I do when I'm around the others. I wish it didn't take me 3 years to figure that out, but no one's perfect. Thanks for calling when you guys would get bored, and Phil, you better be ready in time for the big bash in December.
Tony, I feel like after all of the in depth conversations we've had in the car and wherever else, you've done the majority of talking, and I've done most of the listening. From my perspective, that's not fair to you, and I apologize. I think its because I feel like if I dive into my thoughts, you'll think less of me. You told me the other night that you were amazed at how cool I was with going back to Texas, and not too worried about anything. The truth is that I'm really freaking out. I always am. I just don't show it. I don't know what this semester will do to me, and frankly, I don't want to know. I'm going to have no money, the hardest classes, and the most responsibilities I've ever had. Things will be harder than ever, and so I'm finding that the best way is to just pretend nothing is wrong. I doubt you'll read this, so I'm going to find it as one my top priorities to do before I leave to tell you in person.
Dave, I can't apologize, but rather just be plain sorry, that you had to live up north all summer. That's not what you wanted, and you've handled it wonderfully. I do apologize, however, that I told you that this was going to be the best summer of our lives. That was a lie and a hope that my adolescent self had created. I never answered your question to this, but I do think its possible for a group of people to keep in touch for a lifetime. I haven't done it yet, but I'm just saying that I believe it can happen.
Mike, my best friend. I feel like we haven't had a heart to heart or teary moment in a long long time, but I think its because we already know now just how much we care about each other, so there's no need for a lot of those anymore. If you do feel the need to have one, though, I'll always be a phone call away at the furthest.
I doubt many will see this, or reach this point in this essay (people say that to feel sorry for themselves, but this is a fact) but I think this is the best way to do so, since texting or calling someone to say this would be awkward. This took me 3 days to write, and I'm giving you a cyber high five if you made it to this penguin below.
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Okay that's enough. I doubt I'll write anymore before I leave on Thursday, so I'll catch all of you on the flip side.
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