I had...an epiphany. It is 2:26am central time, 3:27am now back at home, and 9:27pm in Hawaii. And I am here, with my first epiphany.
I don't know what else to say. Listen to this though:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kAb4xfpGhw
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
The Police High Beam Froze Her Perfect Face
And it hasn't even been that long of a wait. Well, life has gotten significantly better since the last post, after a really long drop. Stay tuned for more!
(Infomercial break)
And....we're back. Alright. So, Friday arrived and went and nothing too bad happened. A small get-together was taken held at a friend's apartment, and a not-too-shabby night was had.
Then came Saturday. If depressing stuff makes you vomit, go back to Facebook now.
It started when Jacob and I we're on our way to the Huddle. We locked the door to our apartment, and walked about 10 feet down when a neighbor 3 doors down (an ok band), who happened to be an above average looking girl, looked at me and said "Hi." Now I don't even know this girl, but I returned with the bitchiest sounding "hi" one has ever heard. After this horrifying exchange, Jacob said that the way I said "Hi" made me sound uninterested....which is weird because I'd like to think that I enjoy meeting new people. Anyway, later on we heard about a fire drill in a dorm when a few of our friends reside. Jacob said I should text them to see if they were alright, but I replied with a friendly "No, because I don't really care."
At this point, Jacob stopped me and said, "It seems like you don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Like last year, you cared about everything and now, you've changed."
At this point I'm freaked out right? I mean, who wouldn't be?
Later on that night, Jordan seemed to hint that he wanted me to talk to Jacob about helping out more around the apartment, and whatever he was trying to say, I pretty much threw it right back at his face, telling him that I didn't want anymore drama in my life than there already was.
Sunday, I felt bad about everything that I had done and about the "fucks" that I didn't give, but my bad mood continued.
Emotional Deterioration.
Then a wise friend called me, and told me about variables. If you know me, you know that I've gotten my nut off talking about this for the past two days, but it really makes sense if you listen. Throughout our lives, everyday, there are variables that add up to the end result that you get at the conclusion of every day. If you are unhappy with you're end result, you change your variables. It sounds simple, but I think that the reason I had become so upset is that last year, I went through a steady routine every week (you don't need to know the details. If it bothers you, ask me). Going into this year, I was excited about the possibility of my routine being different than it was the previous year. Well, it had been a month already, and no change was in sight. But ever since that phone call with my friend, I feel like the power of change is in me, and nothing is going to happen unless I work for the change.
People get up out of bed everyday, and say they're going to change their lives, and they do nothing (with the exception of Dave, he's gonna do something). You know why? Because "hoping" something and "doing" something are two different things (call me crazy). Hoping that she'll facebook chat you will have you staring at the computer screen for hours and hours at night and leave you tired and lonely. Realizing there are many other special people you will interact with in this life, going out into the real world, meeting someone new, falling in love, getting married, starting a family, watching your kids grow, retiring before your 65, watching your grandchildren grow, and sitting back in a chair, taking a big sigh, and saying "You did it, Ev." is DOING something.
Whew. I'm at a loss of breath now. I'm sorry about the whole autobiographical nonsense in the beginning, but I hope you see the connection.
Hoping that my old routine would change going into this year got me, quite possible, the closest to depression that I will hopefully ever be.
Now its time to go do something about it.
(Infomercial break)
And....we're back. Alright. So, Friday arrived and went and nothing too bad happened. A small get-together was taken held at a friend's apartment, and a not-too-shabby night was had.
Then came Saturday. If depressing stuff makes you vomit, go back to Facebook now.
It started when Jacob and I we're on our way to the Huddle. We locked the door to our apartment, and walked about 10 feet down when a neighbor 3 doors down (an ok band), who happened to be an above average looking girl, looked at me and said "Hi." Now I don't even know this girl, but I returned with the bitchiest sounding "hi" one has ever heard. After this horrifying exchange, Jacob said that the way I said "Hi" made me sound uninterested....which is weird because I'd like to think that I enjoy meeting new people. Anyway, later on we heard about a fire drill in a dorm when a few of our friends reside. Jacob said I should text them to see if they were alright, but I replied with a friendly "No, because I don't really care."
At this point, Jacob stopped me and said, "It seems like you don't give a fuck about anything anymore. Like last year, you cared about everything and now, you've changed."
At this point I'm freaked out right? I mean, who wouldn't be?
Later on that night, Jordan seemed to hint that he wanted me to talk to Jacob about helping out more around the apartment, and whatever he was trying to say, I pretty much threw it right back at his face, telling him that I didn't want anymore drama in my life than there already was.
Sunday, I felt bad about everything that I had done and about the "fucks" that I didn't give, but my bad mood continued.
Emotional Deterioration.
Then a wise friend called me, and told me about variables. If you know me, you know that I've gotten my nut off talking about this for the past two days, but it really makes sense if you listen. Throughout our lives, everyday, there are variables that add up to the end result that you get at the conclusion of every day. If you are unhappy with you're end result, you change your variables. It sounds simple, but I think that the reason I had become so upset is that last year, I went through a steady routine every week (you don't need to know the details. If it bothers you, ask me). Going into this year, I was excited about the possibility of my routine being different than it was the previous year. Well, it had been a month already, and no change was in sight. But ever since that phone call with my friend, I feel like the power of change is in me, and nothing is going to happen unless I work for the change.
People get up out of bed everyday, and say they're going to change their lives, and they do nothing (with the exception of Dave, he's gonna do something). You know why? Because "hoping" something and "doing" something are two different things (call me crazy). Hoping that she'll facebook chat you will have you staring at the computer screen for hours and hours at night and leave you tired and lonely. Realizing there are many other special people you will interact with in this life, going out into the real world, meeting someone new, falling in love, getting married, starting a family, watching your kids grow, retiring before your 65, watching your grandchildren grow, and sitting back in a chair, taking a big sigh, and saying "You did it, Ev." is DOING something.
Whew. I'm at a loss of breath now. I'm sorry about the whole autobiographical nonsense in the beginning, but I hope you see the connection.
Hoping that my old routine would change going into this year got me, quite possible, the closest to depression that I will hopefully ever be.
Now its time to go do something about it.
Friday, September 17, 2010
I Just Haven't Met You...Yet.
Ok. So I lied about being back shortly, and all of those philisophical thoughts from 2 weekends ago pretty much left me. But I am sitting in the laundry room of the apartments, after making the intelligent decision to not go downtown tonight. If it matters to anyone, I had been flat broke before my relatives gave me some change (more like 35 bucks) to spend. And luckily, I haven't spent that all week long. I think I'm starting to form into the super saver that I'll have to be throughout most of my 20's. Check that off of "Thing's Evan needs to learn in order to grow the eff up" list.
Other than that, I haven't really grown up since the last post. I learned in psych class that a certain vital part of the human brain doesn't form completely until we're 25. With my luck, I'm pretty sure everything is going to hit me all at once.
So the weekend before last I mentioned that I had a few drunk dials with some good friends. The first was a friend who I shall refer to as William. But William and I actually had another pretty good talk (sober, sadly) a couple nights ago, so I shall save him for later.
The first talk was with a friend who I shall name Frederick. Frederick is in the beginnings of a good and hearty relationship with someone who likes him a lot more than the other way around. Don't get me wrong, but it just seems like that from the outside. But there was a time before where he was sure that he thought he would go unmarried and all of that other unhappy stuff. I think our call was pretty much me telling him to be thankful that there's someone out there that is always thinking about him, just as he's always thinking about her. Because I think that's what every person needs. Someone that you know is wondering where you are, what you're doing, what you're thinking...no matter if you're right next to them, or on the other side of the country. And while that person is doing all of that, you assure yourself that there is no plausible way that they're wondering more about you than you are of them. That's what people need. That is happiness. Or a form of it.
I'm still working on it.
Speaking of that (kind of), I got a question on my formspring about who I like. I realized that lately has been the first time in many a year that I haven't been completely infatuated with just one person. It has been somewhat of a release for me to focus on other things, but from what I got when I was talking to William the other day, "single" is starting to look more and more like "alone" on paper. Everyday.
Which brings me to William. Last year, William went into his first (serious) relationship of his entire life, until the *cough*whore*cough threw it away after 6 months of what was the story of two very happy people, at least that's how it looked from my point of view (meaning they were both happy, but she turned into a hoe (fo sho)). Anyways, William went through a tough 4 months of recovery which is still on going to this day. The other day, we were just making each other laugh until I had a weird feeling and just asked him if he was content with how his life has been thus far (Don't be creeped out by me, this is probably the first and almost last time I will ever ask someone that). I'm not going to repeat really anything else that was said, but we had quite the conversation about our lives, maybe the first time I've ever really been entirely open to him in our friendship.
I feel like he and I are on the same boat...two sailors...lost at sea...waiting..just waiting...to at least get a glimpse of the shore.
However, he is doing this with the pain of already reaching the shore, but being thrown back out. I've never felt that, but after how many talks I've been through about it, I can tell you it sucks...it really does.
I feel like there are all of these things and feelings that are involved with relationships that I have never felt, but I can tell you what they feel like, just because I have talks about it so much. Like being a robot. Just talking...yet feeling nothing.
I am a robot.
I feel like this is a good "coming" out blog. No, I am not gay. But while I was talking to my mother about things changing next semester, we discussed my car. The good news, I am probably going to bring the Amigo down here in January. The bad news, the Amigo won't be going back, and I can't have a job at home and not have a car. So the probability of me living in Austin this summer just increased dramatically. But I would still have to find a job and a living space. So yeah. I am a complete wimp for not telling certain people this straight up, but I feel like if I can't tell somebody something in person, I'll refuse to tell them until I do see them. Obviously a huge congressional hearing of friends and family will occur during Christmas break concerning the matter, but I figure I'd continue the trend of me saying things that don't matter to people.
I would like to skype more often. Texting and facebook is great, but seeing a face is so much better. To me.
I'd love to update you on what I did last week or what I'm doing this weekend, but frankly, even I am losing care in the matter.
I just hope there is some beauty in this breakdown.
Other than that, I haven't really grown up since the last post. I learned in psych class that a certain vital part of the human brain doesn't form completely until we're 25. With my luck, I'm pretty sure everything is going to hit me all at once.
So the weekend before last I mentioned that I had a few drunk dials with some good friends. The first was a friend who I shall refer to as William. But William and I actually had another pretty good talk (sober, sadly) a couple nights ago, so I shall save him for later.
The first talk was with a friend who I shall name Frederick. Frederick is in the beginnings of a good and hearty relationship with someone who likes him a lot more than the other way around. Don't get me wrong, but it just seems like that from the outside. But there was a time before where he was sure that he thought he would go unmarried and all of that other unhappy stuff. I think our call was pretty much me telling him to be thankful that there's someone out there that is always thinking about him, just as he's always thinking about her. Because I think that's what every person needs. Someone that you know is wondering where you are, what you're doing, what you're thinking...no matter if you're right next to them, or on the other side of the country. And while that person is doing all of that, you assure yourself that there is no plausible way that they're wondering more about you than you are of them. That's what people need. That is happiness. Or a form of it.
I'm still working on it.
Speaking of that (kind of), I got a question on my formspring about who I like. I realized that lately has been the first time in many a year that I haven't been completely infatuated with just one person. It has been somewhat of a release for me to focus on other things, but from what I got when I was talking to William the other day, "single" is starting to look more and more like "alone" on paper. Everyday.
Which brings me to William. Last year, William went into his first (serious) relationship of his entire life, until the *cough*whore*cough threw it away after 6 months of what was the story of two very happy people, at least that's how it looked from my point of view (meaning they were both happy, but she turned into a hoe (fo sho)). Anyways, William went through a tough 4 months of recovery which is still on going to this day. The other day, we were just making each other laugh until I had a weird feeling and just asked him if he was content with how his life has been thus far (Don't be creeped out by me, this is probably the first and almost last time I will ever ask someone that). I'm not going to repeat really anything else that was said, but we had quite the conversation about our lives, maybe the first time I've ever really been entirely open to him in our friendship.
I feel like he and I are on the same boat...two sailors...lost at sea...waiting..just waiting...to at least get a glimpse of the shore.
However, he is doing this with the pain of already reaching the shore, but being thrown back out. I've never felt that, but after how many talks I've been through about it, I can tell you it sucks...it really does.
I feel like there are all of these things and feelings that are involved with relationships that I have never felt, but I can tell you what they feel like, just because I have talks about it so much. Like being a robot. Just talking...yet feeling nothing.
I am a robot.
I feel like this is a good "coming" out blog. No, I am not gay. But while I was talking to my mother about things changing next semester, we discussed my car. The good news, I am probably going to bring the Amigo down here in January. The bad news, the Amigo won't be going back, and I can't have a job at home and not have a car. So the probability of me living in Austin this summer just increased dramatically. But I would still have to find a job and a living space. So yeah. I am a complete wimp for not telling certain people this straight up, but I feel like if I can't tell somebody something in person, I'll refuse to tell them until I do see them. Obviously a huge congressional hearing of friends and family will occur during Christmas break concerning the matter, but I figure I'd continue the trend of me saying things that don't matter to people.
I would like to skype more often. Texting and facebook is great, but seeing a face is so much better. To me.
I'd love to update you on what I did last week or what I'm doing this weekend, but frankly, even I am losing care in the matter.
I just hope there is some beauty in this breakdown.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tell Mommy I'm Sorry, This Life is a Party.
Life is a party. That's what I learned this weekend.
From Thursday to Saturday, it was a straight rave for me. The weekends are really the only thing that is keeping me alive at the moment, and the fact that they're freaking AWESOME is just gravy.
I just got back from taking my first exam of sophomore year. Let's just say if that exam was a girl, I broke its hip.
Next weekend will be awesome too. Lets see, we have a rave on Friday, I'm going to the UT game on Saturday, NFL opening day party on Sunday, make it stop!
After drunk dialing a couple of good friends over the weekend, I came up with some real philisophical thoughts and shit, but I'm going to wait for the next post to write them all down. Right now, I'm a busy man.
Sorry it was so short (that's what he said, in two different contexts), but until next time......
From Thursday to Saturday, it was a straight rave for me. The weekends are really the only thing that is keeping me alive at the moment, and the fact that they're freaking AWESOME is just gravy.
I just got back from taking my first exam of sophomore year. Let's just say if that exam was a girl, I broke its hip.
Next weekend will be awesome too. Lets see, we have a rave on Friday, I'm going to the UT game on Saturday, NFL opening day party on Sunday, make it stop!
After drunk dialing a couple of good friends over the weekend, I came up with some real philisophical thoughts and shit, but I'm going to wait for the next post to write them all down. Right now, I'm a busy man.
Sorry it was so short (that's what he said, in two different contexts), but until next time......
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
But I'll Learn to Get By....On Little Victories
I have been on top of this lately. Maybe I won't die this semester. Maybe.
Well mainly I can afford to be here because
1. I guess my Psych teacher doesn't press the textbook too hard on us.
2. My Accounting book still has not come in the mail, so I'm still going to have to use my brain even more in that class.
3. Facebook has gotten really gay lately. It's like staring at a blank monitor forever, waiting for something to change. So dumb. I would delete it, but frankly, its my only means of connection with certain people.
Well not much has happened in two days, mainly because its a Monday and Tuesday. So basically....school.
I found out that I have a 4 day weekend coming up! But it would figure that there's like 3 parties I got invited to, and they're all on the same night at the same time. Timing. It sucks.
The lobby of the apartments on campus is playing (500) Days of Summer tomorrow. Since I have not seen it in...say...2 months, I will most likely be in attendance. I would like to talk about a few scenes in the movie that are meaningful to me.
Firstly, I really like the scene in the car where Tom asks Summer "What are we doing?" I think its such a big deal to me, because I always seem to be in that shitty spot where you like someone, but you don't know whats really "going on" at the moment, or what the future has in store for the two of you, and whatever. Sometimes, its best just to confront them. I mean, it doesn't work out for me ever, but you're not me, and you should be thankful.
Also, as sad as it is, I really like the part where Tom finds out that Summer is engaged. That whole 4 minute segment is just incredible. Initially, its awesome because it starts with the whole "expectations versus reality" thing. Amd that ALWAYS happens to me, and reality is the one that blows, like 98% of the time. And then Tom storms down the street, and just...stops.....I don't know....I could just feel how devestated he was. Mike really likes that part to. I'm not surprised. Haha.
Since we're on the topic of him, I really hope that medication is working...I haven't heard too much from anyone back home lately.
And speaking of needing medication...I had this really bizarre thought on the night before I left. After I said goodbye to everyone, I felt that my life was just complete...like I had did what needed to be done. I felt like I had already made an impact on so many lives that the plane I was going on the next day could go down, and I would be....content. I told a few people about this and got very mixed reactions. Basically, that it was depressing as fuck, or that it was a good thing. Luckily, I started thinking about things that I HAVEN'T done yet. I haven't had a legal beer yet (a few illegal, I must admit), and I haven't watched any of my 5 best friends get married, I haven't watched my little brothers grow up into the gentleman I know they'll be, I haven't see Blink live (I laughed out loud typing that one), and I mean....starting a family would be pretty cool.
This is making me dig deeper. Hold on.
In early March of this year, Lauren Roche, an old worker, but more importantly, a friend of mine, passed away by her own doing. She was 21 when she passed. I cried for the whole day, and I didn't know who to talk to. She was so young and loved by SO SO SO many people. I'm not trying to sound like an infomercial or like I need sympathy, but I just need you to know that if there is ANYTHING that EVER makes you think about doing something like that, please....hold on. Sometimes people say that there is someone out there that feels just as you do in your darkest hour...that's not true. You are you, and your thoughts are your own. I will not give you the "light at the end of the tunnel" business, but I WILL promise you that there are ALWAYS people out there that you will take a piece out of when you leave this world. A substantial piece. One that's not worth taking. Hold on.
The sad thing about being at school is that I almost never have the opportunity to look up at the stars as much as I could at home. Whether I think its nice that someone you know is enjoying the same great portrait, or its just good eye candy to me, I will never know. I just know that I miss stopping in my tracks and gazing for minutes at a time.
Alright...bed time. Thanks for putting up with my shit again.
Well mainly I can afford to be here because
1. I guess my Psych teacher doesn't press the textbook too hard on us.
2. My Accounting book still has not come in the mail, so I'm still going to have to use my brain even more in that class.
3. Facebook has gotten really gay lately. It's like staring at a blank monitor forever, waiting for something to change. So dumb. I would delete it, but frankly, its my only means of connection with certain people.
Well not much has happened in two days, mainly because its a Monday and Tuesday. So basically....school.
I found out that I have a 4 day weekend coming up! But it would figure that there's like 3 parties I got invited to, and they're all on the same night at the same time. Timing. It sucks.
The lobby of the apartments on campus is playing (500) Days of Summer tomorrow. Since I have not seen it in...say...2 months, I will most likely be in attendance. I would like to talk about a few scenes in the movie that are meaningful to me.
Firstly, I really like the scene in the car where Tom asks Summer "What are we doing?" I think its such a big deal to me, because I always seem to be in that shitty spot where you like someone, but you don't know whats really "going on" at the moment, or what the future has in store for the two of you, and whatever. Sometimes, its best just to confront them. I mean, it doesn't work out for me ever, but you're not me, and you should be thankful.
Also, as sad as it is, I really like the part where Tom finds out that Summer is engaged. That whole 4 minute segment is just incredible. Initially, its awesome because it starts with the whole "expectations versus reality" thing. Amd that ALWAYS happens to me, and reality is the one that blows, like 98% of the time. And then Tom storms down the street, and just...stops.....I don't know....I could just feel how devestated he was. Mike really likes that part to. I'm not surprised. Haha.
Since we're on the topic of him, I really hope that medication is working...I haven't heard too much from anyone back home lately.
And speaking of needing medication...I had this really bizarre thought on the night before I left. After I said goodbye to everyone, I felt that my life was just complete...like I had did what needed to be done. I felt like I had already made an impact on so many lives that the plane I was going on the next day could go down, and I would be....content. I told a few people about this and got very mixed reactions. Basically, that it was depressing as fuck, or that it was a good thing. Luckily, I started thinking about things that I HAVEN'T done yet. I haven't had a legal beer yet (a few illegal, I must admit), and I haven't watched any of my 5 best friends get married, I haven't watched my little brothers grow up into the gentleman I know they'll be, I haven't see Blink live (I laughed out loud typing that one), and I mean....starting a family would be pretty cool.
This is making me dig deeper. Hold on.
In early March of this year, Lauren Roche, an old worker, but more importantly, a friend of mine, passed away by her own doing. She was 21 when she passed. I cried for the whole day, and I didn't know who to talk to. She was so young and loved by SO SO SO many people. I'm not trying to sound like an infomercial or like I need sympathy, but I just need you to know that if there is ANYTHING that EVER makes you think about doing something like that, please....hold on. Sometimes people say that there is someone out there that feels just as you do in your darkest hour...that's not true. You are you, and your thoughts are your own. I will not give you the "light at the end of the tunnel" business, but I WILL promise you that there are ALWAYS people out there that you will take a piece out of when you leave this world. A substantial piece. One that's not worth taking. Hold on.
The sad thing about being at school is that I almost never have the opportunity to look up at the stars as much as I could at home. Whether I think its nice that someone you know is enjoying the same great portrait, or its just good eye candy to me, I will never know. I just know that I miss stopping in my tracks and gazing for minutes at a time.
Alright...bed time. Thanks for putting up with my shit again.
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