Ok. So I lied about being back shortly, and all of those philisophical thoughts from 2 weekends ago pretty much left me. But I am sitting in the laundry room of the apartments, after making the intelligent decision to not go downtown tonight. If it matters to anyone, I had been flat broke before my relatives gave me some change (more like 35 bucks) to spend. And luckily, I haven't spent that all week long. I think I'm starting to form into the super saver that I'll have to be throughout most of my 20's. Check that off of "Thing's Evan needs to learn in order to grow the eff up" list.
Other than that, I haven't really grown up since the last post. I learned in psych class that a certain vital part of the human brain doesn't form completely until we're 25. With my luck, I'm pretty sure everything is going to hit me all at once.
So the weekend before last I mentioned that I had a few drunk dials with some good friends. The first was a friend who I shall refer to as William. But William and I actually had another pretty good talk (sober, sadly) a couple nights ago, so I shall save him for later.
The first talk was with a friend who I shall name Frederick. Frederick is in the beginnings of a good and hearty relationship with someone who likes him a lot more than the other way around. Don't get me wrong, but it just seems like that from the outside. But there was a time before where he was sure that he thought he would go unmarried and all of that other unhappy stuff. I think our call was pretty much me telling him to be thankful that there's someone out there that is always thinking about him, just as he's always thinking about her. Because I think that's what every person needs. Someone that you know is wondering where you are, what you're doing, what you're thinking...no matter if you're right next to them, or on the other side of the country. And while that person is doing all of that, you assure yourself that there is no plausible way that they're wondering more about you than you are of them. That's what people need. That is happiness. Or a form of it.
I'm still working on it.
Speaking of that (kind of), I got a question on my formspring about who I like. I realized that lately has been the first time in many a year that I haven't been completely infatuated with just one person. It has been somewhat of a release for me to focus on other things, but from what I got when I was talking to William the other day, "single" is starting to look more and more like "alone" on paper. Everyday.
Which brings me to William. Last year, William went into his first (serious) relationship of his entire life, until the *cough*whore*cough threw it away after 6 months of what was the story of two very happy people, at least that's how it looked from my point of view (meaning they were both happy, but she turned into a hoe (fo sho)). Anyways, William went through a tough 4 months of recovery which is still on going to this day. The other day, we were just making each other laugh until I had a weird feeling and just asked him if he was content with how his life has been thus far (Don't be creeped out by me, this is probably the first and almost last time I will ever ask someone that). I'm not going to repeat really anything else that was said, but we had quite the conversation about our lives, maybe the first time I've ever really been entirely open to him in our friendship.
I feel like he and I are on the same boat...two sailors...lost at sea...waiting..just waiting...to at least get a glimpse of the shore.
However, he is doing this with the pain of already reaching the shore, but being thrown back out. I've never felt that, but after how many talks I've been through about it, I can tell you it sucks...it really does.
I feel like there are all of these things and feelings that are involved with relationships that I have never felt, but I can tell you what they feel like, just because I have talks about it so much. Like being a robot. Just talking...yet feeling nothing.
I am a robot.
I feel like this is a good "coming" out blog. No, I am not gay. But while I was talking to my mother about things changing next semester, we discussed my car. The good news, I am probably going to bring the Amigo down here in January. The bad news, the Amigo won't be going back, and I can't have a job at home and not have a car. So the probability of me living in Austin this summer just increased dramatically. But I would still have to find a job and a living space. So yeah. I am a complete wimp for not telling certain people this straight up, but I feel like if I can't tell somebody something in person, I'll refuse to tell them until I do see them. Obviously a huge congressional hearing of friends and family will occur during Christmas break concerning the matter, but I figure I'd continue the trend of me saying things that don't matter to people.
I would like to skype more often. Texting and facebook is great, but seeing a face is so much better. To me.
I'd love to update you on what I did last week or what I'm doing this weekend, but frankly, even I am losing care in the matter.
I just hope there is some beauty in this breakdown.
No comments:
Post a Comment